Ho’s In My Downline

I am experiencing what Web MD tells me is a “Mid-Life Crisis.”  Now, Web MD has been wrong before, but this is the first self-diagnosis that doesn’t have me dying of some rare tropical disease or malignant cancer…so instead of running to my doctor in a self-induced fit of hysteria, I decided to research this common malady.

Here is what I discovered:

The midlife crisis typically begins between the ages of 35-50.  Granted I am only 24 years and 130 months old, but it seems pretty feasible.

Apparently, the mid-life crisis manifests itself a bit differently in the fairer sex, who often focus on superficial things like appearance, or becoming oversexed and chasing after men 20 years their junior. (First of all, men 20 years younger than me are not men…and secondly, I have WAY too many daddy issues for THAT nonsense). More often than not, however, it has more to do with the “MY CHILDREN ARE SELF SUFFICIENT AND DON’T NEED ME ANYMORE AND I’VE SACRIFICED ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS AND OMG WHO THE FUCK AM I?” while lamenting you’re not Adriana Lima on the outside, Marilyn Vos Savant on the inside, or Oprah Winfrey in the bank account.

Also key is the crippling inability to make decisions.

I recently DID make a rather sudden decision to turn in my notice at work and go back to school.  I mean, with my children being  8.5 and 15.5, they don’t need me every waking second anymore.  Its only recently set in that I have freedom that I haven’t had since I was a freshly minted high school grad.

I got some surprisingly negative feedback from a host of sources I would not have expected.  Even though I have yet to make any final decisions, I have to admit “chasing my dreams” seems a lot less appealing when people seem so keen to tear them down.  It’s like someone takes every insecurity you ever had, waves it in your face like it’s Dirk Diggler’s penis and screams at you in a foreign language that you’re pretty sure is terrorist in origin but it COULD be that it’s plain English and you’re just too stupid to understand it.   I could probably have left out the bit about Dirk Diggler’s penis because that part actually sounds pretty awesome.

So I’ve had a lot of thinking to do, and I know I have to make a decision or continued to be paralyzed. I think I’ve hit upon something big.  Something wonderful.  Something with flexible hours. Something that combines my talents with my interests while earning a great income.

I’ve decided to become a hooker.

I am taking appointments now and will probably be starting a referral program, so tell your friends! You’re going to want to get in on the ground floor of this great opportunity before I get the herps. Although I’m getting a tramp stamp that says “No Glove, No Love” flanked by dolphins and/or butterflies…I can’t guarantee I’ll be Chlamydia free for long, so act now! Is there a bachelor degree in escorting, because it definitely sounds like something I would pay for.  Major will be Hooking with a minor in Exploiting Wealthy Chubby Chasers.  And of course I’ll have a rewards program, along with special discounts when you bundle services called “Packages for your package”

I feel like escorting is entry level to my ultimate career plan….a promotion to a Madame position is what I ultimately see myself doing.  I understand that hooking is not a career.  Once I get the herps I figure I get myself a great little multi-level marketing scheme going.  Get a bunch of ho’s in my downline, they sign up ho’s under them. Hold a few ho conferences to get them all riled up, excited new “business owners”.  I figure incentives can be like “Get 20 girls to sign up under you, earn a year’s worth of antibiotics” etc.   I’m excited about this. I’ve seen my competition on Craigslist.  I’ll undercut their pricing if I have to in order get my foot/vagina in the door.

I honestly have no idea how I’m not a multi-millionaire already.

….someone should probably alert Web MD someone diagnosed themselves correctly using their information so they can high five each other and weep copiously while muttering “We did it, Norm…after all these years…we finally did it.”

Borden, Bathory, Belle, and You

My teenaged son, Brendan: “Look mom, there’s an article here about the 16 most evil women in history. We should read it and see where you ranked.”

Me:  “HA! I’m not on this list at all. Eat it.”

Brendan: “You probably only didn’t make the cut because you haven’t actually murdered anyone yet.”


“Haven’t actually murdered anyone”.   “Yet”.  So true.  On both counts.

I get this giddy sort of feeling whenever one of my kids calls me evil. That probably means the evil runs so deep, the mere insinuation that I am “pure evil” is downright flattery. In my children’s eyes, I am ranked right up there with Lizzie Borden, Elizabeth Bathory, and Belle Gunness.  I mean, I do my best, but I don’t think I have the testicular fortitude to bludgeon my parents, bathe in the blood of virgins, or murder more than one or two husbands.  Maybe I’m just not confident enough in myself to admit I really do sit amongst the greats.  All I know is, whenever one of them calls me “evil”, I always try to go above and beyond to implement this hell-sourced strength.

As such, I present to you, 5 great ways you can nurture and strengthen that untapped evil potential that lies lurking in your tiny, dark parental heart:

  1. Make them clean their room. Truly an evil that has stood the test of time. The bitching and moaning that spews forth from my offspring’s mouths when this evil request is made is reminiscent of a medieval torture chamber. You can almost hear the faint echos of the tortured souls of the past in the belabored moans, begging, and cries for mercy that ensue from the mere mention of such excruciating manual labor as “making the bed” or “putting your laundry in the clothes basket.”
  2. Personal Grooming. Now if you already have a teenager or child old enough to be interested in cute boys or pretty girls, this can be a wasted evil.  I like to save this one for the 12 and under set.  Oftentimes, I will purposely wait until my 8 year old daughter is tucked into bed,  getting ready to read a few pages in her chapter book before asking:  “HEY….did you brush your teeth tonight?”  The nights I get an infuriated and tearful “WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH” as she stomps into the bathroom, ripped  from the cozy comfort of her bed are all the evil parental validation I really need.
  3. Mom Trolls. As far as I can tell, this is the only real reason anybody has kids.  It’s the ultimate payoff, and if you’ve nurtured your evil properly, it is scary how naturally and effortlessly you can make them wish they were orphans.   Whether you decide to invite them along to the music store only to suddenly “remember” you need to stop and pick out a few new bras first, or decide you don’t like the name you gave them anymore and start calling them “Ulysses” for weeks on end, the mom troll is really a flexible concept and can be customized to your specific child.
  4.  Make sure their homework is done. This is another big one.  The longer you can keep them away from their favorite shows, video games, or other hobbies by making them do homework first, the better.  As we all know, homework is just a huge waste of time developing skills they will never use in the real world such as reading, writing, and basic math.  Killing hookers in Grand Theft Auto V or licking a semi-truck in Goat Simulator are the hard skills that are really going to take them places in life.  By putting less of a concentration on a video game where they can learn real life skills like “how to get your money from your ho and keeping your pimp hand strong”, and more of a concentration on soft skills like “reading”, you are definitely nurturing that evil and experiencing personal growth.
  5.  Make them pick up messes they did not specifically make. Oh, man. I love this one.  There is no more evil thrill than asking your child to do the entire sink of dishes and not just ones they dirtied, or to mop the floor in the entryway where the dogs tracked in mud, or to single handedly clean up the concrete piles of rubble, twisted metal, and dead bodies in any given war torn country.   All such tasks are equal in your child’s eyes. Or alternately, make them pick up messes they DID specifically make.  It doesn’t really matter.  You will still be evil for asking, and you will still be able to feast on their tortured cries, growing stronger by the minute like the dark lord himself.

Now while I can’t guarantee everlasting notoriety and inclusion on “Top Ten Evil Persons” lists, I can guarantee that you’ll frequently be in the #1 spot in your child’s eyes….and being #1 in our child’s eyes is all we can ever ask for.